Let’s Read Queen of the Tearling: Chapter Seven

Ah, the baddie chapter.

Evil Uncle Thomas is sad because his assassination attempt failed. We learn that he’s fat (again), not too bright, and drinks and eats a lot. He also has a bunch of mistresses. Some palace staff come in and start taking his things away, and it turns out the mistresses have mostly left on their own. One has stayed behind to tell him off. Continue reading →

Let’s Read Queen of the Tearling: Chapter Six

It’s a two-fer today! We’re almost halfway through.

Kelsea has finally entered the Keep. She wakes up in her mother’s bedroom, which is quite frou-frou and described at length. How long ago did her mother die, anyway? How are the sheets still fresh? Gross.

Kelsea remembers an incident from her childhood, when she stole one of Carlin’s dresses and pretended to be a queen. Carlin freaked out, tore the dress off, slapped her, and didn’t speak to her for a week. Kelsea looks back on this incident and misses Carlin, whom she realizes slapped her because of nasty old girly Elyssa. Continue reading →

Let’s Read Queen of the Tearling: Chapter Five

A bit of a Thanksgiving break from various classes, and a new chapter!

Before we begin, I’ll revisit Chapter Four, as I missed a bit of the action that will probably play a part in the rest of the plot, but more importantly shows the heroine’s attitude. Kelsea is in camp with the stunningly awful Fetch. He’s about to let her go, but then tells her that he wants to keep one of her magic gewgaw necklaces.

“This necklace is yours; I don’t claim it for myself. But I’m going to hold onto it.”

“Until when?”

“Until you earn it back with your deeds.”

Kelsea opened her mouth to argue, thought better, and shut it. Here was a man who did almost nothing spontaneously; everything was deliberate, so the chances of changing his mind with words were slim. Continue reading →

Let’s Read Queen of the Tearling: Chapter Four

OK, I have a sad admission. I thought I was an ever-flowing fountain of hate but I started feeling more positive about all art while putting off writing about the terrible crap that is Queen of the Tearling. Hey, maybe I should write about something I appreciate! If I could get one person to read White as Snow or Megahex or Beauty—all of which I have read and enjoyed since beginning my Tearling takedown back in the fucking mists of fucking prehistoric time—that would be really cool!

I guess this happens. Does the great reservoir of hate run dry? Maybe this is part of growing up, you guys!

But I swore I’d finish this, and finishing what you’ve started is also part of being a grown person. Part of the problem is that Queen of the Tearling is so generically bad, it’s hard to engage with it to hate it at length. So I’ll keep the summary short. If you really need to know exactly what happens in each chapter, you can read it yourself and suffer like I did. There, now I’m in the mood to hate, let’s start! Continue reading →

Let’s Read Queen of the Tearling: Chapter Two

Viewpoint change! The Red Queen of Mortmesne is waking from a nightmare. She’s been having dreams about “Queen Elyssa’s child” for a while now. These dreams also involve fires and a strange, gray man, but the Red Queen focuses on the girl we readers know to be Kelsea.

In the Queen’s dreams she was sturdy and dark haired, with a strong, determined face and her mother’s green Raleigh eyes. But unlike Elyssa, she was a plain thing, and somehow that seemed the worst detail of all, the one that conveyed the most reality.

So a woman is “real” or not depending on her level of attractiveness. Fuck you, book. Continue reading →