I’m giving up and I’m just going to write about American pop culture bullshit for the holidays. If you aren’t American and also interested in terrible reality TV, you can skip down to the end of this post for the real good stuff.
If you are a person who compulsively uses the English-language Internet, you may have heard of Phil Robertson. He was suspended from his reality show, Duck Dynasty, for saying some homophobic bullshit and now people are fighting about it on the Internet! This is an important conflict in our culture.
I don’t know what happens on Duck Dynasty, but it’s probably boring shit about a down-home American family shooting at ducks and acting like loveable hicks. Well, I have the real good stuff for you here—a clip from one of Robertson’s earlier masterpieces, Duckmen VI, courtesy of found footage masterpiece 2Everything 2Terrible: Tokyo Drift. In the clip, Robertson talks about he has left a trail of women in tears because of ducks and how women are oppressing him by making him wash his clothes. Also, he bites a duck’s neck and there’s a dude who lost 30 to 40 percent of his brain. This has to be better than Duck Dynasty.
Behold the warrior prophet!
I posted that clip for a reason, I swear. It gives a tiny glimpse into the man’s personality when he was presenting himself to the duck hunting community, not to a wider audience. Robertson obviously doesn’t give a fuck about being thought misogynistic, and he thinks he’s being oppressed—you can get that from the 2-minute Duckmen clip. This guy is also a hardcore Christian of a certain type, by which I mean the type that is obsessed with the sex parts of the Bible. Robertson has given speeches on the evils of homosexuality before, well before he started his reality show. What makes me roll my eyes at A&E is that they were willing to trade on this guy’s hick image until he did something actually in line with his beliefs, bigoted as they may be. Guess what? If you take on someone who’s a known bigot, he’s going to keep on doing his thing. People don’t magically conform to their image on the cover of People, no matter how much your money relies on that being the case.
OK, for those of you who read through my lecture, or skipped over it to get here, here’s the good stuff that everyone can enjoy! All right, you’ll probably enjoy it more with chemical enhancement but it’s not necessary.
Donald Duck sings hymns to babies and kittens
Baby Huey doesn’t belong (trigger warning for diaper-wearing duck people)
This whole post was just really an excuse to share terrible found footage that is tenuously related to ducks. I’m sorry.