Something special is happening this weekend! In America, it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday! And in Europe, it is Eurovision Night on Saturday! Eurovision, for the uninformed, is an hours-long television contest in which musical representatives from European countries compete to see who can get the most points from judges from friendly neighboring countries, oops, I mean they compete to see which country has the best song. Many famous artists have won Eurovision, including ABBA, France Gall, and… Celine Dion? Buck’s Fizz? (Sorry, Britain.)
Anyway, I watched some of the songs for this year’s contest!
These songs are the probable Eurovision winners. Because they are BORING AND DULL. No, they’re not that bad, but Eurovision can do so much better, ridiculous-ness-wise.
Swedish music means one thing—insanely dressed men backing up insanely dressed women singing about their stolen hearts and dancing around to a synthy disco beat. In other words, ABBA! But this song involves just one woman, wearing normal clothes and singing a song named after a Microsoft Word command. Why? THIS TRANSGRESSES AGAINST GOD AND MAN. Or at least against my concept of Europop. Why? Why?
Is there a proper video: No! Or at least I can’t find a proper music video, just recordings of performances. Here’s the entire ABBA movie for those of us who are brokenhearted without our Swedes in spangles
Armenia, “Not Alone”
Combines strings and dubstep beats, so that’s something.
Is there a proper video: Yes, with a woman flipping out and beating the steering wheel of her car and lots of crying in the pouring rain. The ending is a great big yummy slice of romantic cheese, but don’t try it at home or you’ll probably sustain severe internal injuries when you forget to keep stepping on the brake.
Ukraine, “Tick-Tock”, and Russia, “Shine”
The bloodshed between Ukraine and Russia will be mirrored in three minutes of terrible song each. Ukraine’s act is like a lady Michael Jackson impersonator and Russia’s is like tAtU, only with real twins, so they don’t kiss. Neither of these songs are great, I’m including them mainly so I can also include this subtitled video of middle-aged Russians getting extremely excited about the purity of these singing sisters. Everyone under 40 looks a bit embarrassed, but perhaps this is a cultural misunderstanding and they also are very interested in these sisters and the singing MPs?
Also, why do so many Russian MPs sing and dance? Not just the turtlenecked guy in the celebration video, but this guy in particular. He is amazing, he should be on Eurovision with all his greatest hits.
Here’s what I look to Eurovision for: transvestites, tits, and tracksuits. These videos have them all. Enjoy!
Iceland, “No Prejudice”
Iceland has sent its version of the Wiggles to Eurovision! Pollapönk is Iceland’s only child-friendly punk band and they sing about fighting prejudice. No, really. Sample lyrics: “Let’s do away with prejudice, don’t discriminate, tolerance is bliss.” Also “Lala lalalala lala lalalala lala lalalala.”
Is there a proper video: Yeah! Pollapönk’s magic guitars fight evil, free people from comedy jail, and make pride flags burst from the ceiling.
Poland, “My Słowianie – We Are Slavic”
Polish women want to do a chant for you and show you their Polandballs! No, not those kinds of balls, the ones on their chests. They also like to churn butter and let it spill over their lips just so. And bathe in their wooden bathtubs. I kind of forgot that there was music involved to this one, really. But it’s fun and for some reason the imagery reminds me of the tamer Die Antwoord videos, only a hell of a lot tamer even than those and with Slavic dresses instead of the rapper with progeria. Totally non-mammary-related question: What’s the point of Donatan? He doesn’t even play the accordion.
Is there a proper video: Duh. You shouldn’t watch it if you’re Polish because it might seduce you into the false faith of panslavism, though.
Austria, “Rise Like a Phoenix”
Conchita Wurst is an Austrian drag queen—I think her shtick is that she performs with her beard still on. Apparently her appearance will turn Belarus into a “hotbed of sodomy,” so if you like sodomy and also are in Belarus on Saturday night, you are in luck. Usually I would not be impressed, but the song is so over-the-top that it would be good even if Conchita shaved. Riiiiiiise, Conchita! Rise!
Is there a proper video: Yes. It involves a bathtub full of rose petals. The live performance is better as it’s sung against a background of cheesy fire effects and Conchita wears a wedding dress made of sparkly sofa upholstery.
The story: Our chanssonier has everything, except a mustache. Insanely catchy and also in French, so you can’t tell how stupid the lyrics are. Supposedly ripped off from Belgian artist Stromae, which is wicked of Twin Twin but good for me, as now I’ve seen the video for his “Papaoutai,” and it’s a genuinely good video that will hold up long after you throw out your mustache ice cube tray and regret your mustache finger tattoo.
Is there a proper video: Yes, with a demonic game show and a visual pun that definitely works in English.
PS. I want to share Latvia’s entry, “Cake to Bake.”
Because of cosmic injustice, this song is not actually in the Eurovision final, but it has the best-slash-stupidest video and lyrics of possibly all space and time. In this video, the cheeriest blond man in the universe sings with his equally cheery bandmates about he found Atlantis and roamed the Milky Way with a unicorn. Then their hipster-y friends, who are also super cheery, show up at a log cabin and they all stand around a bonfire and hug and literally sing about baking a cake. I think maracas are involved and there’s definitely acoustic guitar. Amazing, 12 points!