OK, I have a sad admission. I thought I was an ever-flowing fountain of hate but I started feeling more positive about all art while putting off writing about the terrible crap that is Queen of the Tearling. Hey, maybe I should write about something I appreciate! If I could get one person to read White as Snow or Megahex or Beauty—all of which I have read and enjoyed since beginning my Tearling takedown back in the fucking mists of fucking prehistoric time—that would be really cool!
I guess this happens. Does the great reservoir of hate run dry? Maybe this is part of growing up, you guys!
But I swore I’d finish this, and finishing what you’ve started is also part of being a grown person. Part of the problem is that Queen of the Tearling is so generically bad, it’s hard to engage with it to hate it at length. So I’ll keep the summary short. If you really need to know exactly what happens in each chapter, you can read it yourself and suffer like I did. There, now I’m in the mood to hate, let’s start!
Kelsea and the Mace dude leave the bandit camp. Kelsea thinks a lot about how she wants to bone the Douche. The Mace asks her about the Douche, turns out she saw his face, which is a big deal because he usually keeps on his dopey psuedo-Anonymous mask all the time (it must smell). Kelsea declares that she will never turn in the Douche to the law, the normally overbearing Mace is perfectly cool with his future dictatorial leader wanting to bone all over a criminal. They still don’t get to the capital. End of chapter.
OK, let’s talk about Kelsea and what a waste of meat she is. She hasn’t made any decisions yet, everything has happened to her. When she talks about how she wants to rule her kingdom, she’s parroting what other people have told her. She’s been really passive, but that’s about to change. She’s about to actually make a decision, all by herself. Yeah, I know, most people get to that point well before the age of nineteen, but good for her for starting somewhere, right?
So the first decision she makes is… that she won’t turn a criminal in because she thinks he’s hot. Not because the police are corrupt, or because this guy is doing Robin Hood-style good for the poor, or because she wants to co-opt him and use him as a spy. It’s because she wants to ride his dick.
If I were the Mace, I would just drag Kelsea into the woods and kill her, because isn’t this the way her horny mother acted—the mother who everyone denounced as an idiot and a slut?* I mean, damn, from what we’ve seen of this royal line they’re all dumber than bricks. Why is everybody cool with this? Doesn’t somebody else want the throne? I know this country is messed up but there’s no reason why somebody else couldn’t have a whack at it. (Supposedly the throne is dangerous but considering that this line of morons has stretched out for years, it couldn’t be that bad, because they’ve somehow managed to breed and pass the crown down.) At the least, the Mace could explain to Kelsea why this is probably not a great decision. That is, if he wants her to succeed as a ruler in her own right—maybe she’s supposed to be a puppet? That would seem to be the safer option, if this is the quality of Kelsea’s thought process.
Oh, I forgot, Kelsea is the protagonist and she’s a great heroine because she’s ugly and doesn’t like dresses. As long as she’s a stupid tomboy, it’s cool. If she was hot or liked to wear makeup, then her decision would be terrible simply because femininity taints everything around it. I hope this world is destroyed by an army of nuclear-powered genderqueers and transwomen.
* Implication alert: it’s acceptable for a criminal to run around the Tearling stealing whatever he can get his hands on, as long as Kelsea sits back and moans about how ugly she is and how she can never have her masked man. Putting one’s personal likes and dislikes above the law is just fine, but if Kelsea actually slept with this guy, then she would be evil, like her mother. According to Queen of the Tearling, a woman’s moral worth is entirely centered in her vagina.